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20121201
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 55 (some duplicates have been removed)
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. come on. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. please, sit down. folks, folks-- as a great lady once said we got to hang out. well, merry christmas, everybody. as with you see i have fully incringe eled my set for the week. i have candy cane columns back there. i have my two big balls right down here. i have poinsettias all back there, festive and deadly. (laughter) but let's not forget it is also night three of hanukkah which i am celebrating by having just mentioned it right now. (laughter) you're welcome, jews. okay, that's called the colbert bump. speaking of me, everyone's speaking of me. >> south carolina senator jim demint is stepping down, so guess who's stepping up as a possible candidate, stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) >> within hours after the announcement he set up a colbert for senate web site and establis
. that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> here with reaction author columnist eric rush civil rights attorney, radio talk show host >> you don't even have the decency not to interrupt somebody >> you are an embarrassment, sir . shut up. please shut captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. come on. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. please, sit down. folks, folks-- as a great lady once said we got to hang out. well, merry christmas, everybody. as with you see i have fully incringe eled my set for the week. i have candy cane columns back there. i have my two big balls right down here. i have poinsettias all back there, festive and deadly. (laughter) but let's not forget it is also night three of hanukkah which i am celebrating by having just m
>> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> parent groups say this company has gone to far on a berry with "merry christmas" b word and a back in with what happens when you party tpha *eg naked and slang for captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ oh merry ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, thank you for joining us! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, folks. there is tons of excitement in the air tonight. it is the final night of hobbit week. (cheers and applause) i'm so excited, folks. i'm so excited about tonight's show, i have been camping outside my studio since 5 a.m. dressed as my favorite character. tonight's guest director peter jackson. (cheers and applause) who has requested that tonight's interview be broken into three parts a
(cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> gender-neutral easy bake oven all because her little brother wanted one. because he likes to cook and he likes to bake but it's like they only have boys in the commercial so i want to play a little soundbite of tha captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captions ready to go captions ready to go captioning sponsored by captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ♪ ♪ (laughter) ♪ ♪ "the colbert report" the "the colbert report" ♪ (laughter) ♪ the "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"! thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen! folks -- (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) folks, with an army like you behind me, i think we can storm the moranin. folks, it is night two of how about week or as they say in the black tong of mordor, tuesday. (laughter) i'm just enjoying some of the pipe weed that sir ian mckellan left in his dress
.wgbh.org >> that's our show, join us your home of zen. >> getting ready for a zombie apocalypse. >> oh boy. >> s that is not a hollywood movie. it is a taxpayer funded drill by the department of foam-hand security, your government and there is a lot more where this came captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ oh merry ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, thank you for joining us! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, folks. there is tons of excitement in the air tonight. it is the final night of hobbit week. (cheers and applause) i'm so excited, folks. i'm so excited about tonight's show, i have been camping outside my studio since 5 a.m. dressed as my favorite character. tonight's guest director peter jackson. (cheers and applause) who has requested that tonight's interview be broken into three parts and aired every december until 2014. you know, folks, it's just been a great week. and spending
on sale february 3rd from my standup tour. 17 new u.s. cities, with special guests. i get that off the no fly list. we have been away a couple months. i missed news stories, here's some stuff that happened, russell brand and katy perry got sick of each other as we are of them. maybe they realized how freakish misshaped each other's heads are. >> mark sachez threw passes at his receivers feet. nick sabin said if something is hard, you can always quit and find another way to be successful. a key witness in the jerry sandusky trial died mysterious the president of china retired. "moneyball" marked the final performance of one of the best actors. you will be missed fat jonah hill. we learned the dangers of texting while driving a cruiseship, our soldiers showed they can piss whoever the hell they want. i'm todd came out of the pot cast. i can no longer be friends with you, but i am proud of you. good night, america. hello, milan! [ applause ] (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. come on. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, steph
♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, thank you for joining us! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, folks. there is tons of excitement in the air tonight. it is the final night of hobbit week. (cheers and applause) i'm so excited, folks. i'm so excited about tonight's show, i have been camping outside my studio since 5 a.m. dressed as my favorite character. tonight's guest director peter jackson. (cheers and applause) who has requested that tonight's interview be broken into three parts and aired every december until 2014. you know, folks, it's just been a great week. and spending time with the creators of the hobbit for the past four days has changed me in ways i never expected. i mean it's hard to put my finger on it. (laughter) i got to tell you, it is such high maintenance. i can never find the parts. and frankly my mani-pedi girl is on a suicide watch. but of course tonight a big story comes from my home state of south carolina. >> big breaki
( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. new jersey governor chris christie will be in the studio. here it is, your moment of zen. >> his music has been one, long brilliant improvisation on the wonderful rhythms of life. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org . >> stephen: tonight, a new threat from north korea. how will mach eye and klinger hand this will one? (laughter) then, can homosexuality be cured? and what will that mean for bravo's ratings? (laughter) plus, my guest, author malcolm gladwell wrote the forward the new yorker's "big book of dogs." i wonder if "dog fancy" has a "big book of gladwells." (laughter) it's now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. so if you are in one of them, be careful. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome, ladies and gentlemen! (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "report," folks, thank you
, thank you for joining us. it's great to be me. nation, it's a special time of the year. we've been looking forward to it for months now. and wherever you go you can see the twinkle in little children's eyes because they know in a few short weeks ♪ the fiscal cliff is coming to town ♪ merry cliffmas! (laughter) and with a dramatic name like fiscal cliff, it's got to be exciting. jim? >> the president is asking for $1.6 trillion in revenue. >> $600 billion in tax hikes. >> entitlement reform. >> dividends and capital gains. >> discretionary spending. (laughter) (cheers and applause) what happened, is it over? (bleep) oak, folks, i'll admit it. i don't want to talk about the fiscal cliff and you don't want to hear about it. for the next 20 days, all pundit are contractually obligated to talk budgetary policy and you the viewer are obligated to listen. check your cable contract. (laughter) it's right below the part where come cast gets your kidneys. they'll be there to pick them up tomorrow between the hours of 9:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. wear something loose. (laughter) if the parties
: welcome to the "report"! thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen! folks -- (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) folks, with an army like you behind me, i think we can storm the moranin. folks, it is night two of how about week or as they say in the black tong of mordor, tuesday. (laughter) i'm just enjoying some of the pipe weed that sir ian mckellan left in his dressing room. (laughter) pretty good. not as good as the stuff that willie nelson leaves behind. (laughter) still, wizardy weed is good for one thing. check this out. not bad, eh. save that for later. last night, gandalf the gray asked me to join him on the adventure and tonight it is the lead character of bilbo gag agains. martin freeman. how exciting, his father morgan must be so proud. (laughter) more on martin later but now, folks, i always go from the gut because my gut is the largest single organ in my body next to my balls. (laughter) sorry, prostate, maybe next exam. (laughter) but now scientists say that the older you get the less you can trust your gut. >> we all have a natural suspicion in ou
are saying it for me. "u.s.a. today" is stephen colbert running for the u.s. senate. huffington post, stephen colbert for senate. role call, south carolina for stephen colbert. "new york post", are we ready for senator colbert? (cheers and applause) are we ready? well, i get it i get it i know when i look at the u.s. senate. i say to myself, you know what they could use, another white guy. (laughter) so i want you to take to the twitters, okay, take to the twitters. i want you to tweet@nikki-- ask nikki haley why she should appoint me to the u.s. is senate with the hashtag senator colbert. (cheers and applause) s that-- that feels right. now of course we all know jim demint leaves some big shoes to fill. then again-- (cheers and applause) but i'm not surprised that the people want me to have this honor. i've been honored in so many ways. in lego form, in ice cream, in space station treadmill, as a plush hockey mascot. which of course let me realize my dream of having drunk townies throw beer cans at me. but now the ultimate honor has come. being immortallized at madame tussaud's wax museum. t
: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much! (cheers and applause) folks, i hope you had a great thanksgiving. i did. first of all a caught up on homeland. you guys see that show on the showtime channel. i love that chaenl. now if you haven't seen it, it's the twisting tale of an iraq war vet who may or may not be a terrorist op rattive, or a double agent whose's been brainwashed by al qaeda who matches wits with a by polar cia op rattive who is convinced that he's part of an attack against america and is an on-again, off-again affair with him. >> here what i can't figure out. when do they charge their cell phones? they're always on them. always! and they're always full, never plugged into anything. not even in the car. it's always like full bars. dc, beirut, baghdad, great reception. makes the whole thing kind of unbelievable. (laughter) anyway, hi a great thanksgiving. i celebrated the traditional manner with my family or as the indians call them maze. but fol
>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> we'll bring you more on "the o'reilly factor" and the atheists in a moment. ♪ our god is an awesome god he reigns in heaven above ♪captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it fen's name] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. in return i want to wish all of you a merry christ-christmas. i say it that way, so if the atheists try to take the christ out of christmas, there's still one left. [ laughter ] and as you can see, my set is fully decked for the season. i've got my historically-accurate nativity scene featuring mary, joseph, frosty, and the abominable snowman. [ laughter ] i didn't include optimus prime because he does not appear in the king james version. [ laughter ] and instead of the baby jesus in th
and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it fen's name] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. in return i want to wish all of you a merry christ-christmas. i say it that way, so if the atheists try to take the christ out of christmas, there's still one left. [ laughter ] and as you can see, my set is fully decked for the season. i've got my historically-accurate nativity scene featuring mary, joseph, frosty, and the abominable snowman. [ laughter ] i didn't include optimus prime because he does not appear in the king james version. [ laughter ] and instead of the baby jesus in the cradle, i have my book: "american again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] folks, i want you to know -- unlike jesus, with my book, you won't have to wait a thousand years for the second edition. [ laughter ] speaking of books. papa bear bill o'reilly has been dominating the bestseller lists with his huge hits. i was happy until this. >> you've got
( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen >> confirming will and kate are pregnant >> the new princess is pregnant captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ "the colbert report" ♪ ♪ "the colbert report" ♪ "the colbert report" ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report! stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well come to the report. good to you have with us, lady its and gentlemen, let me begin by saying ellen silla lumen omentielvo. (applause) >> stephen: i slipped in a little quenya there, i'm just so pumped about the new hobbit movie about that hobbit, the hobbit. hobbit, hobbit, hobbit. you ever say a word so pain times it sounds like somebody just made it up? anyway, this thursday is the new york premier of peter jackson's j.
celebrating american exceptionalism. that special je ne sai quoi that americans have that keep us from knowing things like what je ne sais quoi means, i don't know. but for some time now americans have been in decline. and i have been searching for the exact moment when we went from being the u.s. of a to the u.s. of eh. well, folks, i think i found it, fasten your seat belts. and incidentally, if are you wearing seat belts to watch tv, you're part of the problem. >> it sounds preposterous but the united states has to factor into the cold ware to possibly nuke the moon. >> they say the plan call force an intercontinental ballistic missile to be launched from an undisclosed location, travel to the moon and detonate on impact with the height of the cold ware, security scares all around, american leaders felt they needed to give a jolt to the soviet union. >> stephen: we were going to nuke the moon and we didn't! (laughter) this is earth-shattering news. when it should have been moon shattering news. clearly this, this moment is when america stepped back from greatness. oh, let's see
, a lot of people have been using weather balloons to send stuff up there, so i decided to become the first man in history to shoot a rocket pop. that's right! a rocket pop, into space. may god have mercy on my soul. houston, in 10, 9, 8 -- i'm not liking this breeze. i'm scrubbing the launch. i'm scrubbing the launch guys. we'll try to get it in four weeks. this is much better weather conditions. this is one step for me, and anyone that owns a weather balloon. a lick for luck. found it. there it is. i just liked the only popsicle that went to space. >> i'm also the only white person to enjoy dessert in ka compton. ball's in your court, dippin' dots. ice cream of the future my ass. goodnight. switch to hover mode. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ "the colbert report" ♪ ♪ "the colbert report" ♪ "the colbert report" ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report! stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause
, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well come to the report. good to you have with us, lady its and gentlemen, let me begin by saying ellen silla lumen omentielvo. (applause) >> stephen: i slipped in a little quenya there, i'm just so pumped about the new hobbit movie about that hobbit, the hobbit. hobbit, hobbit, hobbit. you ever say a word so pain times it sounds like somebody just made it up? anyway, this thursday is the new york premier of peter jackson's j.r.r. tolkien the hobbit part one, an unexpected journey, tokyo drift. (laughter) and this week we got all the big stars. sir ian mckellen, gandalf the grey. (cheers and applause) we got sir martin freeman, bilbo baggins. (cheers and applause) sir peter jackson who played a very convincing film director. and sir andy serkis who is either the man who played caesar in rise of the planet of the aprils or he is a superchimp who plays this man. (laughter) (applause) and we have got for your pleasure we've got an even bigger tolkien name lined up to host our hobbit week, me. (cheers and applause) as peter jackson himse
) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. please, sit down. i gotta say, i love this little golden thing. i'm going to use it to sneak into hog warts to steal that invisibility cloak. folks, it is night three of honesofhobit week. we've had ian mckellan, martin freeman, and tonight andy circus. ( applause ) my first question will be, of course, "what do i have in my pocketses?" shhh! don't tell. mr. circus, of course, is the pioneer in the art of performance capture. he has played so many of the great computer-generated characters, not just gollan, but king kong, caesar from "planet of the apes" and of course abraham lincoln. you really believe it's daniel day lewis. of course, hobit heads like me can't wait for this movie and luckily, we don't have to, thanks to the wizards at denny's who are bringing the spirit of middle earth to the middle of the i-80 route 126 interchange. lord jim. >> first, i will have the skillet. next, i shall secure some hobit holes with the si
?ñ?ñ?ñ?ñ?ñ?ñ?ñ?ñ?z?ñ?ñ?ñz?:zz ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. new jersey governor chris christie will be in the studio. here it is, your moment of zen. >> his music has been one, long brilliant improvisation on the wonderful rhythms of life. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. please, sit down. i gotta say, i love this little golden thing. i'm going to use it to sneak into hog warts to steal that invisibility cloak. folks, it is night three of honesofhobit week. we've had ian mckellan, martin freeman, and tonight andy circus. ( applause ) my first question will be, of course, "what do i have in my pocketses?" shhh! don't tell. mr. circus, of course, is the pioneer in the art of perfo
" everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please sit down! let's get to our top story tonight. television host stephen colbert has announced his resignation from "the colbert report" effective immediately. (laughter) because, folks, i am stinking filthy rich! (laughter) jimmy, tell them why! >> power bavl sales are skyrocketing, upping both the jackpot and the odds that somebody will actually win the big prize tonight. it sits at $550 million. >> stephen: $550 million! suck my powerball! (laughter and applause) jimmy, play my jam. ♪ you're a rich girl and you've gone too far ♪ because you know it don't matter anyway -- ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ you can rely on the old man's money -- ♪ >> stephen: now -- (laughs) whoo! (cheers and applause) now i know that lotto money is going to be mine, okay? even though the drawing hasn't happened yet, even though the odds of winning are 175 million to one. because i bought 175 million tickets. (laughter) and i'm guaranteed to win, because every single one of these babies has the
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 55 (some duplicates have been removed)